That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. See how thats all about you, and your kids, and not at all about her? Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. As I explained, however, sometimes responding to a compliment requires a funny response. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. Aunt: Good! I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. Flying in a rocket ship. I think the reason is that telling people about fun things is potentially fairly personal. What are you doing this weekend? Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. I dont understand the point of the question. But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. Most dont mean to be manipulative, and if thats not their intention, Why, whats up? wont bother them in the slightest, nor will never finding out what you actually are doing next Thursday or what you did with that time if you turned them down. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. - Anthony Burgess - Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. Which I guess was appropriately scary for the season? Try to be kind and positive in your response. Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). Where are you from is often followed by no, where are you REALLY from which seeks to establish that you are a foreigner. Was he not getting back to her soon enough? With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. Yep yep yep. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. Yes, I know that is an inappropriate way to react. It's to funny for everybody. I ask that question so I wont impose myself on someone by asking them to do something if they already have plans. I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. 21. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. I dont hear it much in my circles, and if it does come up I just say something noncommittal and wait for them to present a direct invitation or request if they want to. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Trust issues and controlling family? For me, it makes saying no so much harder. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. These are my 2 best friends for over 20 years each! Updog. This is how I feel too. etc. Photo: Funny Quotes. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). K- keep a distance from work. It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. And because family members pitch in. Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. My go-to refusal of any invitation is I have other plans, and nobody needs to know whether my other plans are a work thing I cant get out of or a fun evening out or painting my toenails in front of Netflix. Speak to US respectfully. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. Be here at 6.. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. Do I think X is a fair thing to insist upon? That question from certain people stresses me too! heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. The lines of dominance and power are what make this a problem. No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. Ugh. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. I clean up nice, don't I. [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. No, just running some errands. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. Neighbor! There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . And luckily the people asking me are perfectly able to graciously accept a No. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. UGH. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? Any fun plans? I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. 1. Its great that you can come!. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. Theyre private and you dont need to know them. 2. This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. Can you do me a favor? Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. Answer with small truths. men. If you want! its differential equations, 2. Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. I suppose its more of an emotional labor thing? Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. I immediately turn it around on them. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. No, that is a very bad script with pushy family connections. I still have the same question of why do this? This might just be a difference in communication styles. When someone really finds you funny over text, they may send laughing emoji or 'haha'. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. )in a way that seems to be back firing. Theres an element of contempt to it, that this is what you would be doing with your time. It is one of my pet peeves. Sometimes its totally innocuous, as LW said. It's funny I don't even register the question "How are you?" (I've lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to "You alright?" which, functionally, isn't that different. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. Theyre couched as requests, and a truly good reason would be all the excuse we would need. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. Our relationship got better when I moved out. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! Should I keep doing what Im doing? Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. (Seriously? I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). "See, I will finally make you smile.". I would think that any event for which one needs to book a venue and/or hire a caterer would also be the sort of event to which one sends some sort of formal invitation, which is not really the case for the situations the LW describes. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. 13 "It was so relaxing. 1. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Busy busy busy! If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. But most of all, thats my time with my kids, and Ive realized that Im missing it. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. What works for you? I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. (Like the How are you? inquiries) I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. You: Yeah, we should. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. What is your favourite clip? Dont do that to a friend. And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. You're supposed to live it and enjoy it. This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever. ), but I can tell you that even from that POV, I generally have few expectations of this kind of question. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. This comment has clarified a thing for me. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. Well, now I know? I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? In a lot of cases I dont think its meant to be manipulative, its just a verbal tic. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. How about you?. Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. Them: We should have lunch soon. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. Yes! I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. You would think, right? They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? Is everyone busy? It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. I didnt feel like talking to her much for several months. Good luck! Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. It's healthy and doesn't cost a penny. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. That sounds weird coming from you. I moved out from my parents when I was 25. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. 2. Need some help actually. You absolutely can. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. Why? People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. Thats just the question it looks like. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. Giving my notebook a bath. And I have an aunt who, when I was younger, my preferring to do nothing plans often translated in her head to free babysitting for her boys. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. not? I usually just say Im doing laundry. Its not even really pushback. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. This auto-reply is just to let you know. I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. This strikes me as so strange! Make up a lease and sign it. LW gets that we all know this, and should be less friggin bigoted about shoving our nosy questions at a population for whom nosy questions are constantly tied to real threats of violence. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies.